Site of the writer Andrew Wood

Posts tagged ‘depression’

Returning Flash Fiction

Here is a flash fiction – the first I have written in a long time. Enjoy!

 

Flash Fiction – Intensity

I look down upon the jade surface; it’s many slender soldiers pointing up at the sun, yearning for action. One stain of crimson, a second… and a third. What is this? I glance to my right hand, seeing the hardened edge of the Reaper’s touch in my grasp. A whirling sense of regret ebbs through the tunnels of my heart as I realise the events of moments past.

Things were once so sweet and intoxicating I could not resist the allure of the embrace – a lover’s embrace. I had lived in pure bliss, if not but for a moment amidst the eternity of the cosmos, and I did not want for anything else. The abrupt flash of her final image haunted my waking moments; leading that coffin to where it was to be last seen by all who loved her; breaking down as I ran my finger along its edges after placing it down – there was then an emptiness that nothing would ever fill up no matter how willing my soul was.

What lay before me was the thing I had grown to hate, the person whom I had learned from a young age to be my worst enemy. I stared wearily into the face, twisted and strewn with inexplicable pain and anguish – a mere reflection of some of my own torment. His stature was flowing in its resting place; the intense blue eyes still living, burrowing into me with a piercing look of resolve and disbelief. Something was stirred within me from this moment of timelessness – why are you doing this? You are killing me, and yet you are the one who has culminated from these feelings? If you do not stop…

I realised then that I stared into my own eyes, trying my damnedest to be the saviour of my own existence.

He pleaded… I pleaded.

In A Dark Place

I have been in and out of a dark place for months. I have been absent both mentally, and physically. I have not been looking after myself in these ways either. Sometimes things are easy, but then a few moments later they are not. I still yearn to become what I feel I can easily be; but when I sit in that seat, grip the steering wheel, and turn the keys in the ignition… nothing happens. I have been sitting in that driver’s seat for a long time. I am starting to re-develop the urge to open up, and have a look at the engine in an attempt to get the damn thing running.

I know many will not have even noticed the absence, but to those who have done; and who have messaged me; I thank you :-)

Depression Awareness – A Slice Of Me

The cold winter sun bleeds through the curtains in the morning, rousing me from an alcoholic slumber. I grumble with a dry throat and cover my face with my forearm in a futile attempt to block it out. Sounds of clinking beer bottles and the scraping of empty cans along the wooden floor was followed by a hungered whimper and a nuzzling at my elbow. I glanced out and saw Harry, my soppy old black Labrador, wagging his tail halfheartedly at me.

“You want something to eat, Harry boy?”

He barked, understanding that I knew what he wanted. I rolled slowly onto my side and looked across the floor – a sea of bottles, cans, dog ends, and pizza boxes. I reached for one of those boxes and found some pizza still inside, barbecue bacon I think. I slid the box at Harry and continued to doze on the sofa. He didn’t make much noise as he cautiously sampled the cold meal. I knew something like that wasn’t good for him, but I really didn’t care at that point.

Where was the remote for the stereo? Ah, I was lying on it. I pushed a few buttons and stuck on something heavy; the lyrics suddenly echoing my mind as I listened to them.

“My mind is a cage, trapping my every thought and emotion. Will this ever end? Will this ever die? If it goes on then I will be the one to die. It is like a battlefield inside, my hopes and dreams like soldiers – dead and scattered, never to be reborn. Someone help me; someone kill me!”

I cried myself back to sleep, the whole time aware of the pain and torment that clouded my mind.

I woke up later on in the day and shuffled my way into the shower. It was hot and somewhat refreshing; maybe the scalding heat would melt my troubles away. It was there that I questioned myself like I always do: Why am I so depressed? What the hell has caused this? I have nothing to be depressed about – I have a wonderful job, lovely fiancee, and we’ve recently moved into our own house… so what the actual fuck?!

I don’t think about ending my life; I don’t think about anything. My mind is so fuzzy and clouded, and has been for countless years. I don’t get excited, happy, or bothered over anything anymore. Sometimes I think I have just died inside and what walks around is just an empty husk that feels the remnants of the suffering my soul has been ravaged by. I want to be happy, and I know I have things to be happy about, but telling myself this never does any good. I think I am destined to drink and eat myself into a state where I fall over dead from a heart attack. Even though this scares me, it does promise some essence of peace.

#Walkcast Number Four – Weather, Water, Changes, Relationship!

Here is #walkcast number four! ENJOY!

Andy Wood – Walking Vlog #1

Here it is people. Hope someone enjoys it! Special shout-out to Lisa and Buddy for this!

Trapped

I don’t know what to say or do. How do you explain something that even you don’t understand or comprehend? I just feel like scratching my brain out of my head and trading it in for a new one just so I don’t have to feel like this. I want to scream. I am so angry, but I don’t know why. I feel like running away, taking my partner with me so she can get away from things too. I’m mentally restless, yet physically exhausted. I’m severely depressed, yet I should be happy. So what is it? I need to know! Maybe it’s physical? Mental? Or both… I need help, but I am unable to ask for it – I hate asking for help. However, it’s at that stage where I’ve had to admit that I need professional help now. It’s strong and out of control now…

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