Fourth installment (Note that this is depression related)
Flash Fiction #4 – Soulful Muse
What have I become? Tears rolling down my cheek. My hands shaking. A lump in my throat. A knot in my stomach. Apprehension in my mind. Depression pulsing through my body. It is through. It seems like the end. Is it?
It is through depression that my thoughts are the most philosophical. But why should I bother? To please a bunch of people I don’t even know? To reassert who I am as a person? To fulfil aspirations I had as a kid? My mind is all fuzzy.
Cramped. Constricted. Verging on insanity. The walls close in. I am trapped. But this isn’t tangible. It is my own mind. I am my prison. The sky is grey. The air is dank. The rain is weighing on me.
In the mystic lights of the dawn there is a glimmer of hope, the start of a new day. A fresh opportunity? A second chance? Is that all dependent?
I have all these ideas but I always back away… why is this? I vow to myself that I won’t do what I shouldn’t be doing but I always give in. My lack of will, lack of resistance, is my downfall. Writing it down is therapeutic? Maybe but what will stop me? Someone? Anyone? Something? Anything? No.
I am my own worst enemy yet I am my only saviour. Only I can break free of the mental prison, the bars that criss-cross over my eyes, my thoughts, my feelings, my decisions. And so it is that I bite the bullet and seek help within my own soul. Meditating on what my suppressed feelings of many years are trying to tell me. Is it rooted from years ago? Are these the resultant emotions of past failings? Lost feelings? Child-like confusion?
There would only be one way to find out… and I am to take that path and hopefully come back holding myself up to the world again.